Proof of Life: Redefining my Values

Building a life with someone requires a deep well of trust from which both partners can draw from. But what happens to one partner when the well is a mirage, and when you lift the bucket to take a drink, there's nothing there? That is what living with a narcissist is like - a mirage of a happy life, the delusion of security. There is no trust and there is no foundation. There is no water. Life after abuse has taught me that without trust, there is no relationship. Say what you mean and follow through. Show those you care about that they can count on you. As an educator and as a coach, I want to ensure that the learners with whom I am entrusted to coach feel safe and cared for.

Narcissists are void of empathy. They do not give it without a quid pro quo and they do not understand it. Compassion and understanding are non-negotiables for me now, and those are values I lead with. As a coach, compassion will be an essential component of my class, and teaching others that what we see on the surface is not the whole picture of someone. My classroom will get curious, leave judgements at the door, and enter with an understanding mindset.

Community saved me. My friends, my family, my therapist, my neighbors. I will forever value having people to call on to get me through the hard days, and I want to create community for others. A safe and reliable community has the power to create new pathways for learners, and allow them to connect to something bigger than themselves. Strong communities uplift and support their members, and give them opportunities to explore, create, and grow.

Your autonomy is stripped away when you are living with an abuser and you start to devalue your own life. Everyone deserves to be themselves authentically, with no limits. As a coach and mentor, I want to know and understand each individual learner - what has drawn them to my class, what they hope to get out of it, and how they want to use the information to transform their lives.

There is no ethical abuser and the code by which they live has no humanity. Standing up for someone you don't know can be difficult, and it's often easier to look the other way. It's more comfortable to not confront hard truths. Do it anyway. I hope to encourage learners to challenge norms, examine their definitions of ethical, and learn from others how their own ethics have shaped their lives.